Once upon a time there was a small town in which there lived an old woman who lived alone. She was blind yet every night when she walked through the quaint town square she carried a lighted lamp.
One night as she was returning to her home in the hills above the town she came across a group of young men and women out enjoying the evening together and partying. They saw she was blind yet carrying a lighted lamp. They started pointing and laughing among themselves making fun of the old woman. “See that crazy old woman, why is she carrying a lamp when she cannot see anyway?”
They continued to boisterously laugh at and make fun of her. Finally one of them in a sarcastic and cynical way shouted out to her, “Hey there, you are blind and can't see anything – why are you carrying a lamp?”
In a calm and gentle voice she replied, “ Yes, unfortunately I am totally blind. I carry this lamp for people like you, who rely on their eyes to see for you see, I know this path very well by feel. It is to light your way so that you can see the trail more clearly and to see an old blind woman and not push her off the trail.”
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What does it mean to respect someone? What does it mean to be respected by someone? I am old enough to remember where the word 'respect' was a core value taught in both the society I grew up in, the religious schools I attended and a way of being that was modeled to me by parents, especially my father. Somewhere along the way as the years went by respect became a problematic word, something to challenge, something to be demanded, something that if that demand was not met could incite violence in thought, word and action. There seemed to be a loss of understanding of the meaning of respect and how it is demonstrated in our lives.
The definition of the word respect is as follows: Relationship, relation, regard and consideration.
This is very interesting to consider for it reveals that respect is more than something that benefits the other – in doing so it benefits yourself and the whole. It creates a bridge of relating that builds relationship. Within this definition is the word consideration. Consideration means careful thought over a period of time. In order to respect we need the dimension of time. We need the willingingness and ability to know someone and to give them the opportunity to be seen in a more complete way.
The etymology of the word respect reveals more on how to do this:
It comes from the word respicere: To look back at, regard.
Re - back
Spec ere - to look at; and this arises from the word Spek: TO OBSERVE
In order for us to extend respect we must be willing to observe the person in question. Furthermore we must be willing to do this carefully and overtime. We may have a “gut feeling” or a “gut reaction” but we must be willing to suspend that as we make our observations. Respect is the acknowledgement that people are complex and nuanced. The easy assumption or judgement about a person can never be the whole truth of the person.
Whether we realize it or not, when we remove respect from our interactions with others it says more about us. Disrespectful behavior and language goes hand in hand with cynicism and miserliness. It says that we are operating from a commodities mindset in which respect is something earned and bought. At the core of this is unseen and unacknowledged fear- ‘There is not enough. We are not enough. You are not enough.’
True respect arises from the realization that our survival depends on the acknowledgement, depth and generosity of our relationships. If it is true that all things are related, that we on this planet earth live in a complex web of interdependence, then the relationship we have with ourselves, each other and all forms of living beings is of utmost importance. Respect is an essential component for the health, stability and longevity of all things within that web of interdependence. Respect is a form of generosity.
We can always find a way to be generous with each other by:
Giving each other the benefit of the doubt. This occurs occurs when we observe without intent to classify anyone or anything.
Upholding the integrity of the being you are with in all interactions.
Recognizing what is “up” with a person in the moment is not the totality of who they are.
Resisting the urge to 'fix' one another.
Listening without judgment.
Careful consideration before speaking, writing or posting.
Always questioning your interpretations of things and being willing to change your mind.
These suggestions are the underpinings of respectful interaction with one another.
What you sow you will reap. If we truly understand this or have enough lived experience and self reflection to know this to be true, then we won't easily believe the cynical and cruel thoughts that cross our minds. Because when we are truly aware of what we are saying to ourselves or another, and really feel it we won't tolerate one minute of the ugliness in our mind and heart- the cruelty, the brutality and dismissiveness. Respect reorients our consciousness to generosity, benevolent seeing and actions that foster inclusion and connection.
Many Blessings,
Kumu