What is tenderness? How can this trait benefit us and others? Is it even possible to live and be tender in everyday life? How does one develop tenderness?
We are living in dying times. While this has been always true – for instance, it is true that every moment of our lives bloom, abide and move on – the dying is being seen on a very large stage scale now. This is possible in part because of the connectedness made possible through growth in technology. We can view things happening anywhere in the world in real time. Much of what is reported or shown is cataclysmic events, pain and suffering and seeing it on our screens make it all so immediate. If we choose to constantly engage in knowing what’s going on in this way, we can have a real sense that all there is is pain, suffering, fear inducing events, things out of control and the need to then control as an answer to the uncertainty.
Imagine for a moment putting away all devices for a month. Imagine making an agreement with those you love and interact with that you only talk about and share what is your direct lived experience. Can you get a sense how this might feel? How might this change how you perceive your day-to-day experience? Look at your life in the last three days. If you didn’t know anything happening outside of what was happening in your immediate vicinity, what changes in yourself, family, and environment? These are interesting things to meditate upon when feeling overwhelmed. Taking the time to put your attention on your immediate surroundings in this moment without bringing anything external is a practice that reveals much.
The desire and need to be aware of all the fast-paced changes happening daily in the world at large can bring about hypervigilance, feelings of being threatened and then the need to control what is perceived as threatening or just the opposite, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. The very human response to this the need to escape it, avoid it, fight it, change it or control it. In these times depending on what you expose yourself to it can seem as if threats are coming from everywhere. The scale seems overwhelming and there is a real sadness that underlies the seeing of mass tragedies, cataclysmic events, human cruelty, aggression, anger and intolerance.
How do we engage with life and others that does not further add to the pain in this world and helps to truly resolve the suffering in others?
The first step is to have the courage to tell yourself the truth of what is going on inside of you and to acknowledge and accept any pain you are feeling. It takes courage to get to the bottom of what you are feeling. It takes strength to sit with it without running away or by looking frantically for solutions. The discipline is to make space for the pain to be seen and just be. This can feel like it is taking you to your edge and standing on that edge can feel precarious. We want to do something – retreat, jump, or fly. What is required is that you meet your edge and soften.
On August 29, 1911, the last surviving individual of a California Indigenous people know as the Yahi was discovered sitting by a slaughterhouse back corral. (How ironic!) His family and tribe had been systematically hunted down and killed. For the three years he had survived on his own and when he finally sat down by this corral, he was weak and starving. Floyd Hefner worked at the slaughterhouse and when someone had reported seeing a dark man sitting by the fence, he assumed it was a Mexican immigrant that had been taking meat from the works. Floyd came out with a metal bar and made a motion to strike Ishi. Ishi quietly laid down on his side, folded his hands and put them beneath his head. It was then that the Floyd and the others noticed that this was a man like they had never seen before. Ishi had been brought to his edge by the tragic fate that befell his family and tribe, by the difficulty of surviving in the wild while trying to avoid the hostile civilians that came to Northern California for the gold rush. Ishi was somewhere between 50 and 60 years of age at the time of his discovery. He met the new reality of his life by walking to the edge and softening. In this way he was able to live and thrive for a while longer.
To be Aware, Alive and Free means meeting life on its own terms, not your terms. It means meeting the pain that is inherent in being alive and the inevitable uncontrollable changes that happen with acceptance and vulnerability. Freedom does not mean doing what you want, when you want. Freedom is experienced through acceptance of what is and the willingness to change fundamentally to meet new circumstances.
The sadness at the loss of what once was must be met, felt and seen without offering anything to alleviate that sadness. This experience pierces our egoic defences and moves us to find the backbone of the heart. So often we hear in the modern spiritual scene talk of transcendence. This word is misused and is used to spiritually bypass pain and suffering. This is an attempt to bypass the grieving process that is necessary for growth through denial and bargaining. It is an attempt to “fly off the edge we are at” instead of softening.
It is easy to lash out, seek someone to blame, get angry, deny that we are frightened and project it on others. When we do this, we sever ourselves from our duty in how to behave in dying times. Our duty is to behave as if all life matters, not just the lives we consider awake, important, or worthy.
Only the warmth and compassion that arises from meeting the sadness within can cure hatred and the damage it wreaks within us. We are being asked to love and appreciate this earth and each other while we are still in it and while it lasts.
Love the earth, love each other for the impermanent creation that we are.
Drop deeper into yourself as you listen and watch all that goes on.
Soften and discover the real, raw, open-hearted beauty that is Life.
So Come My Friends Be Not Afraid
We are so Lightly Here
It is Love that we are Made, and in Love we Disappear
-Leonard Cohen